Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Woundup Year-in-Review _ by CEO Tom Blister
My StatTek TrakkerTek 5.0 WebCounter tells me Woundup.com received its first page view from Barrington this past Monday. You know what that means...
THE WOUNDUP 2005 YEAR-IN-REVIEW SPECIAL
Once in a great while a WeBLoG comes along that revolutionizes the way we look at--SHIT... all right... Sorry, folks. Woundup Corp. CEO Tom Blister here. I've been beating my head against the wall trying to write this goddam Year-in-Review. My 7-person content team is out with botullism. GODDAMMIT. I hearby forbid Costa Rican vacations for all employees. Christ...
I've never claimed to be a great writer. That's why I have a 7-person content team... But those little fruitcakes quit on me. I'm fucking finished with this... Here's what happend. If you don't like it, well, call customer service...
_ Woundup posted solid earnings following an expansion in the handheld market. The signature "electric-shock-thru-your-keyboard e-greeting" was offered to blackberry subscribers. To demonstrate this new feature, I allowed members of our 7-person content team to shock me thru my own blackberry at a press conference in Buenos Aires. That was a great idea... I crapped my pants in front of the leaders of 18 South American countries.
_ I divorced my second wife, Lydia. Well, she divorced me, if you really want to get down to brass tacks. I was sitting in the China Room at Five Oaks Country Club in Barrington _ I maintain a residence in Barrington, by the way _ and, needless to say, she broke my jaw with a 3 Wood. Lydia, she was more than my secretary, she was my friend. If you can't understand that, well, you need to join the human race. Lucky for me the pre-nup contained a line in .0000015 size type absolving me in the instance of adultery. Cheers, Lydia, this '65 Dom Estes is for you.
_ A spin-off blog failed. Tom Blister a failure? Not likely, my friend. This brilliant idea was spearheaded by former CFO Marty Brentano _ emphasis on FORMER. Wonk-Up _ a political site that pledged to get neck-deep in the Beltway dirt was staffed by a bunch of Brown rejects who couldn't find their ass from Barbara Boxer's Macy's receipts. I fired those clowns so quick, my head was spinning...
_ But then again that could've been my Vicodin addiction. Maybe you heard about it. Big story. Blister hooked on meds, doped up. Well, I beat it. I beat the little white pills that stopped the constant pounding in my head. I got that fixed, too. Turns out it was my alcoholism... But I found a shrink who said it was okay for me to keep drinking as long as I didn't kick little kids or dogs. Hey, sometimes you have to give up some things. It's called life, folks.
_ Fuck. Do I have to keep writing this goddam thing? Quarter 3. What a disaster. My companies traditionally do bad in the third quarter _ kind of like the Magic Lakers. Oh man, I used to party with those guys. Magic, one time he held AC Green by the ankles off the Waldorf Astoria balcony _ this must've been '86 _ these Costa Rican hookers just showed up... and the next day he dropped 35 on the Knicks with 12 assists. Class act, Magic Johnson.
_ Business... okay... business. Lessee... Woundup did debut some client-based software in Quarter 3. Uh... I think you could only get it if you were on the West Coast. I'm not supposed to know this shit. I have people that tell me things every damn day and I don't listen. That's what separates the great ones from the also-ran's _ the ability NOT to listen.
_ Well, we came roaring back to finish up FY2005. And Lydia, my ex, came roaring back when she set my H3 on fire. I just bought the goddamn thing out in Lake in the Hills. I was trying to have a nice conversation and she flipped. I had it re-detailed last week. Looks fan-fuckin-tastic. Read it and weep, baby.
_ We sold licensing rights to the Wound I. satellite _ you might remember that nice little piece of hardware. Well, now its part of President Bush's domestic spying plan. Don't worry. They can't see everything. Uh... new products... Woundup soda, Woundup clothing line with Tommy, bag line with Manhattan Portage, eyewear with Oliver Peoples, parties for the Oscars, Grammys, Superbowl.
And that's where I am right now. I'm in my little hotel room in downtown Detroit. Gametime T-minus 96 hours and I'm staring down the barrel of a '77 Rioja from the Pampas. You can catch me in this month's Wine Spectator _ yeah, they're doing a spotlight on my cellar.
All right. Enough of this bullshit. Those little content team fairies are getting double shifts till July. Well... that's it. Cheers.